Gossip Girlwas eliciting shrieks of rage with the season finale -- and that's mostly just Janine and Lindsey's rage towards me for my first question. Protect your ears, people, and turn down the volume at the 34 second mark. I mount a defense for Jenny, which mostly falls on deaf ears (and that's only partly an aftereffect of the aforementioned 34 second mark) -- but hey, I tried, ok? We also discuss the peculiar boy logic that goes into soothing pain with anonymous sex, debate whether Blair was justified in her reactions, praise Eric and Dorota for being awesome, worry about Serena's hospital-going wardrobe choices, and theorize on how the next season will play out (Hint - There's a soap-opera standby they haven't even touched yet!) Check it out!
One Tree Hill was apparently saving the best for last, because the final two eps of the season made us almost completely happy. Well, you know, as happy as we ever are. Which is... well, look, we're happiest when we're snarking, ok? It happens.
The group finally steps up for Haley, who has a mystical encounter with a wild animal that, by all rights, should either be asleep or ripping her face off. Quinn and Clay get cute, and then possibly get dead (although Quinn was already baiting death-by-frostbite with that bikini stunt). Skills shows off his hideous fashion sense, which Utah inexplicably endorses. We suppose we should expect that from a place that keeps tiny matador suits in random stores. Julian and Brooke have their dreams come true, and it was completely "Awwwwww!" inducing. Miranda and Grubbs finally leave Tree Hill, hopefully for good. Boy Alex takes off with Victoria, and girl Alex starts almost growing on us -- but not enough for us to really want her to move to Tree Hill full time. Chase and Mia and Alex may be embarking on a love triangle, and we're not sure we care. And Haley's preggers! Wheee!
The CW: Hellcats and ass-kickers join the schedule
The CW is sticking with what works, adding just two new shows to its schedule. But those two shows allow the net wot stretch out its original programing over five nights -- a first for the relative newcomer.
In keeping with The CW's emphasis on TV for chicks who spend, the net's two new shows feature women -- one concentrating on women who do high kicks, while the other follows a woman who kicks ass.
New shows:
Hellcats - Wednesday 9pm
So, remember "Bring It On?" Remember the part where a rebel-type chick who used to be a gymnast joined the cheerleading team, and hilarity ensued? Take that plotline, move it to a university in the South where football is life, then stir in Ashley Tisdale as the leader of the cheerocracy and Tom Welling as an executive producer. Go, Hellcats!
Nikita - Thursday 9pm
Maggie Q is the titular character, a woman who was taken out of prison and trained to kill for the CIA. Now she's escaped the agency, and she wants to make sure the ones she left behind have an opportunity to flee as well. Plus, Maggie Q had the best quote of the Upfronts: "I don't think any of you understand how good looking it is backstage. It's very intimidating. I had to push the A cups up a little. We exist!" How can we not want to love the show after that?
We've got the full fall schedule -- and our comments -- after the jump. Read on!
The CW This Fall
Monday
8pm 90210
9pm Gossip Girl
We can see 90210 and Gossip Girl together -- they're both deliciously over-the-top teen soaps in a rarefied environment. We approve.
Tuesday
8pm One Tree Hill
9pm Life Unexpected
Both of the bubble shows are back, and they're hanging out together! Again, it works for us -- they're both very family-centered soapy dramas with a lot of heart. Two thumbs up. Our only quibble: We'd switch the order, because Tree Hill's occasional sex-tape shenanigans make it feel like a later-in-the-evening show, while Life Unexpected feel like a family-hour show in the best possible way.
Wednesday
8pm America's Next Top Model
9pm Hellcats
Top Model meets Top Cheerleaders? Sure, why not. We're cautiously optimistic about Hellcats -- hey, it's got Q from OTH as well as High School Musical's Tisdale and Aly Michalka from Bandslam. For that alone, we'll give it a chance! As for Miss Tyra and the girls... well, how can you resist?
Thursday
8pm The Vampire Diaries
9pm Nikita
Like we said above, we really like Maggie Q, and the clips they showed looked pretty spectacular. We'll take it. We're a little concerned that they tore Supernatural away from The Vampire Diaries, but... well, we'll talk about that in the next bit.
Friday
8pm Smallville
9pm Supernatural
Sigh. A few things about this: One, they were very clear that this was Smallville's last season, so ... yeah, sorry fans. The time has come. Two, while we're glad Supernatural won't be in the Thursday Slot of Doooooooom up against Grey's Anatomy and CSI any more, well... we're kind of seeing Friday at the day where they send the shows that they think are for boys to hang out. Plenty of women watch both Smallville and Supernatural, but that's not what the net seems to think. Look, we'll keep watching our boys wherever they are on the schedule, but we have to admit, we're concerned.
So what do you think of the fall sched? Do the new shows intrigue you? Talk about it in the comments!
Nothing like a random and never-before-mentioned school formal to wrap up a high school TV series
Well, it seems like everyone got what was coming to them in the season finale of 90210 -- with a few exceptions. Navid finally got Adrianna back, Naomi got dumped and Jasper got his clock cleaned. Plus a bunch of other crazy crap, so much crap that we should just get right to it. Here we go!
Navid and Adrianna
In a weird kind of mix up, Ade gets the charm bracelet meant for her from Navid when she and Javieeerrrreee go through the gifts from his many fans. Later, when Silver films an interview with Ade for The Blaze about her sudden success, Navid sees the bracelet and flips out on camera. One problem, the interview is live to the whole school (Side note: do schools really do this? Doesn't it interrupt class? Or if it's done during passing periods, doesn't it make everyone late? Or not look where they're going and run into each other/lockers/lunch ladies carrying gigantic trays of sloppy joe? Something to ponder).
ANYHOODLE, Navid sets Ade straight as to who really provided the bracelet, since she can't seem to figure out that every charm on it bears some relevance to her life and not Javier's. But in a squeal-inducing twist, Ade refuses to give it back when Navid requests it. A very public reunion ensues to the huzzahs of everyone watching and Ade has to break the news to Javier. He seems to take Ade's rejection well, saying he still wants her to open for his tour. But Navid isn't invited.
Another helping of crazeballs after the jump.
Dixon and Ivy
These two are doing much better after Ivy's little freak-out last week, until (naturally) Dixon does something stupid. He tells Ivy about the broom closet shenanigans with Silver, thus leading to Ivy thinking he is a colossal tool. Always the smooth operator -- okay, not really, but occasionally the smooth operator -- Dixon manages to win Ivy back with an elaborate display at the school formal at the planetarium. We won't get into details, suffice it to say if the love confession had any more sugar, it would rot our teeth instantaneously. Dixon goes home to pack for Australia but Debbie has other plans. Now aware of his previous transgressions, she tells him no way. It's not that hard for Dixon to sneak out, however, since Debbie and Harry's new hobby seems to be screaming each other down and bringing up emotional baggage in the most awkward and hurtful way possible. Safe flight, kid.
Silver and Teddy
Apparently someone on The CW has a lick of sense now. Rather than engage the typical we're-in-a-fight-now-I'll-misconstrue-everything-and-never-talk-to-you-again scenario, Teddy goes straight to Silver and asks her what's up. What's up, she says, is you dad is an assbutt. Teddy learns about the attempted payoff and why Silver really broke up with him. Ever the optimist, Teddy says he needs her and can handle both their relationship and his tennis, but Silver still turns him down. However, at the symbolic romantic school dance whatever, Silver caves and says she needs Teddy in her life too (after encouraging words of wisdom from Naomi. We know, we're shocked, too). These two are just precious. We sense this will mean an apocalyptic smack-down with Monty Sr., but as long as the couple takes on the Big Bad Hollywood Actor together, we're not too worried. Besides, we love watching Silver bandy some witty words about with her foes. Or Naomi, who just doesn't get it and is easy to laugh at.
Liam and Annie
Liam finally drops the axe on Naomi and confesses his coin theft to his mother. Needing someone to talk to, he goes to pick up Annie (SHOCKING). But he has more a surprise than his cavalier new attitude: It's his boat, finished and docked and ready for sail. The two take a little sojourn then come back to chat some more, where Liam tells Annie that he had to fess up or he wouldn't be able to live with himself. Wow, over coins? Annie clearly sees the gigantic gulf of difference between their two transgressions, because she barrels into her own manslaughter confession right then and there. Liam seems supportive, but a creepy spying Jasper is considerably less pleased. After taking Annie home to tell Debbie and Harry, Liam returns to find his beloved boat up in flames, and Jasper attempting to flee the scene of the crime. Not so fast, Crutches. Liam's going to open a can of whoop-ass first.
Naomi and Jen
Well, what we've been anticipating (and frankly, praying for) for a long time finally happened: Liam dumped Naomi. But don't worry, she doesn't feel any remorse or sense of responsibility...yet. She has paternity tests to administer and general havoc to wreak. Lil' sis finds Jen's paternity test and decides to surprise the father -- Mr. Matthews. The good teacher immediately goes to Jen to pledge his undying devotion to his unborn lust-child, but Jen wants no part of his paltry teacher's salary. So he gets smashed at the school formal and crashes into the West Bev sign. Good way to get the custody judge on your side, Ryan.
Meanwhile, Naomi is finally starting to feel the sting of losing Liam and the error of her ways. She leaves the dance but can't start her beater car, so she wanders into the school in search of a phone. She meets Mr. Cannon in the sole illuminated room, and he seems to take pity on his former tormentor. She confesses to him that everything is ruined and it's all her fault, because she's a selfish liar (THANK you!), and Mr. Cannon does his best to comfort her. Until it takes a turn for the statutory. Thinking Naomi is only being her typical coquettish self, Cannon takes the reins and forces her into a compromising situation. Who will believe you, he asks, the girl who cried wolf? Guess we'll have to wait until next fall to find out.
Notes and Quotes
Naomi: I’m not ruling out the whole chimp thing…
Jen: Crème brulee, it's like a woman. It should seem impenetrable, and then tap, tap, tap…and you’re in.
How hysterical was Naomi running after Liam? We imagine that's how fast she moves at a Gucci sample sale.
What is up with this dance thing? Why is Javier performing? Why does Laurel need to be there? And, theoretically, shouldn't it be the juniors who are wearing white?
Naomi calling Liam a loser was a little harsh, even for her. Brownie points for the Single Ladies' dance, though
How could Liam afford that harbor slip? Those things are expensive!
We severely dislike Debbie now. You provide no support for your just-fired husband, proceed to scream at him and then ask if he still loves you. You're making it a little hard to get an accurate reading, dear...
Jasper has some serious spidey skills to commit flotilla arson on crutches. SKILLZ.
So many subplots were tidied up and so many have been cracked wide open! Will Naomi fall victim to Mr. Cannon's lechery? Is it curtains for Harry and Debbie? Will Dixon attempt to ride around in a kangaroo's pouch? (What? We might.) All these answers and more await next season. Until then, keep your mind off it with plenty of margaritas.
Poor Navid isn't doing so well these days on 90210 -- just when he's decided to win back Adrianna, his first love, this Mexican pop star comes on the scene and sweeps her off her feet. What's a love-struck teen to do?
Michael Steger has some idea, and they involve some unlikely lessons. Find out what Michael has to say about that, working with his boys, and forging a new and dysfunctional work relationship on the show:
One Tree Hill finale: The healing power of love (and snow)
One Tree Hill learned its lesson last season -- don't ever end a season with all plots resolved and everything tied up with a pretty bow. This year, they made sure we had some loose ends to keep us going over the summer -- because yes, it does look like the show will be back. But first, let's dive into the season finale!
What we loved
Snow makes everything better
It's nice to see the Tree Hillians get out of town every once in a while, and the setting they descended on was pretty spectacular. The sledding, the snowball fights, the snow fort... we almost wish it was winter again. And when you can get Chicagoans to wish for snow in mid-May, you're doing something right.
Haley's reemergence
OK, so Haley did take up residence at the bottom of the pool at the end of last episode -- and apparently, that -- and Nathan dragging her out of the water in a panic -- was the step she needed to take to start coming out of her depression. "I was just trying to feel something. Alive, I guess," she tells the disembodied shrink. Did it make her feel alive? "No. But it made me want to," she says. We'll take it!
There's more after the jump: Read on!
The trip to Utah with the rest of the gang was Haley's coming out-of-her-funk party, and even if we have reservations about her seeing her mom in a giant owl, we're glad to have her back. (Seriously, folks -- that owl was huge. And those birds are called raptors for a reason. They'll rip your face off! Nature is scary, and don't you forget it!) And to top it all off, she's pregnant and happy! Yay!
Julian's success
OK, we're on the Julian bandwagon now. We love that Julian is so self-deprecating and can actually buy that he was a giant nerd-boy in high school who is shocked that he's suddenly made good. Take this little gem, as he gets ready for the screening:
My whole life my hair's been out to get me, like it resents my forehead for taking up too much room.
Snerk!
So yes, we were thrilled that everyone loved the screening, and that he got the round of applause he so richly deserved. We got a little misty-eyed when Paul talked about watching him soar. And yes, we squealed with delight when he proposed to Brooke. So romantic! Go Brulian!
Jamie being a kid
Once again, the show let Jamie be a kid again, and that's the way it should be. He said some heartfelt things, like when he told Haley how pretty she was when she smiled, and how he missed that, but he didn't seem wise beyond his years. And we loved everything he had to say about Julian's movie:
Jamie: I don't get it - you made a movie with no animation, no stunts, no cars that transform into stuff, no aliens and no rabbits. What the heck else is there?
Julian: Romance?
Jamie: I don't think anyone wants to see that.
and later...
Jamie: They're kissing. They've been doing a lot of that. Seriously,
you could have used a robot or something.
Plus, Jamie in the tiny matador suit (and what the hell was that doing in a mountain town in Utah?) = comedy gold.
Mouth as comic relief
This is how we like Mouth -- in small doses, and bringing the funny. Just that shot of him dancing rapturously in Skills' stolen furball coat made us giggle uncontrollably.
Things we weren't as thrilled about
Quinn, meet frostbite
There were moments when we really liked Quinn in this episode -- principally the scene at the club, where she had this sad, sad look on her face as Skills brought her back to Clay with the words "She was sexy until she started dancing." But then they had the goofy walking-into-town-in-a-bikini sequence, and dude, did you not see the snow? It's cold out there! She would have been losing extremities!
We continue not to care about Grubbs
Seriously, if it didn't violate the requirements of our jobs, we'd be fast-forwarding any scenes involving Grubbs and/or Miranda. We like the music, we don't care about the characters. Worse, we used to like Mia, but the longer she's hanging with Grubbs, the less we care about her. Quit that!
The looming triangle
We kind of care about Chase. We grudgingly are starting to almost not dislike Alex. We used to like Mia, before she was tainted with Grubbiness. But a Chase/Alex/Mia love triangle? Sorry, we don't care enough about these characters for it to make a dent.
You have locks, now use them
Remember how thrilled we were when we saw Clay change the locks on his front door? That's great, Clay, but it only helps if you actually use them. We were concerned when we saw the French doors open on the beach house -- after all, they'd just dealt with StalKatie. We figured that they must know that she'd been locked up in the loony bin or something.
Alas -- it was more likely that they just have no concept of personal security, because at the end of the ep, StalKatie's got a gun, and she shoots both Quinn and Clay. It's probably not a good sign that our immediate concern wasn't for Clay and Quinn's survival, but about what their deaths would do to a still-fragile Haley.
Lots of long faces on this gut-wrenching and mind-blowing season finale of Gossip Girl. In the midst of welcoming a new life into the world, these characters also said many good-byes. Some relationships fizzled, while other old flames were rekindled. And in the biggest turn of events, Chuck deflowers Jenny. And in a bigger turn of events, she whines about it like a baby to anyone who will listen as if the man took advantage of her. She chose to get into bed with Mr. Bass. She’s been at his humble abode for most of the season trying to sneak into Nate’s bed, why is she acting like Chuck did something wrong? She might feel cheap and guilty because she gave away her precious gift to a cad who could care less about her, but no one forced her to get under the covers.
Here are some other highlights from the episode:
Fool me once: Eric let bygones be bygones until Jenny tried to break up Rufus and Lily. Now he’s angry and willing to “totally send her crazy ass away.” But, in the final hours he changes his mind. Someone give that kid a medal for being the sweetest thing on the show.
Defriended: Dorota kicked Chuck off her list of Facebook friends and severed ties with him in real life. A diss isn’t real until it happens on Facebook.
Ditch the bitch: Georgina returns in a frightful blond wig and she’s running from the Russians.
A picture’s worth a thousand words: Jenny takes a picture of Serena and Dan crashing in bed and posts it on Gossip Girl. Blood is apparently not thicker than Jenny’s desire to nab Nate.
Bring it on: Blair jets to Brooklyn to give Jenny the “smack down” she deserves. And by smack down she means a drag-down, knock-out sucker punch given with razor-edged words. Chuck loves Blair. Nate loves Serena. Dan loves Vanessa. No one loves Jenny. Ouch!
Signs: Last season, the show used Bloc Party’s mournful “Signs” as a backdrop to Chuck’s mourning. This season, Blair informs us that signs are for the “religious, the superstitious and the lower class.” She’s a poet in disguise.
Baby on board: Dorota has a girl named Anastasia. Awwwww.
Pack your bags: Jenny’s going to Hudson. Good riddance.
Best song: “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright.” A honky tonk version of the Bob Dylan classic set to the frenetic pacing of hearts being torn apart.
Drinking buddies: All it takes is two sips of a drink to avert Jenny’s attention from Nate to Chuck? Drawn together by their depression and loneliness, Jenny loses IT to Chuck moments before Blair comes knocking on his door to profess her love. Did anyone else spend the entire scene’s duration screaming NOOOOOO while frantically slapping their forehead with the palm of their hand?
It’s not you, it’s me: Serena decides she should do some soul searching and breaks Nate’s heart in the process. She really looks out for the feelings of those she cares about…NOT!
Thelma and Louise: Paris welcomes Blair and Serena. Let’s hope they don’t drive off a cliff together after a very handsome man with abs of steel robs them of their possessions.
Little black book: Chuck’s in Prague and Nate has access to his list of digits. If at summer’s end Nate is wearing bow ties and pastel colors we’re in trouble.
Shot through the heart: Did Chuck really take a bullet in that robbery? The writers really know how to ruin a summer by making viewers worry about Chuck’s fate for the next three months. Surely, he won’t die, but he won’t come out of this unscathed.
What did you think? Are you satisfied with the way the season ended? Are you anxious to find out what happens in Paris, Prague and New York?
One Tree Hill: Jackson talks about college funds, fountains and general adorableness
So, One Tree Hill peanut Jackson Brundage is cute as a button on and off screen. In our interview with the young actor he talks about the capers he gets into playing Jamie, saving for college with the fellow actors' swear jar and his ultimate dream job. Check out the video with Jackson and cyber-pinch those cute little cheeks.
Jenny and Serena were battling for the title of "Most Selfishly Despicable" on Gossip Girl-- and, to steal from "Alien vs Predator", whoever wins, we lose. We get our rant on as we contemplate Serena's toddler-like behavior, Jenny's crazy rationalizations, the sudden appearence of Jenny's bounteous bosums, caper flicks, rugby bores, and what damn well better happen next week or there will be violence. Plus, literary smackdown: Two women of British literature enter, one author leaves!
Supernatural: The end of the season, the beginning of the discussion
The boys look as confused as we feel
OK, we've started and tossed this Supernatural season-finale post about five times, and we still don't know what we want to say. We're all confused and conflicted. So we'll keep our yapping to minimum and throw it open to you. Tell us what you think!
The plot
The basics: Dean acknowledges Sam is an adult, Sam takes on Lucifer and loses, Dean confronts LuciSam on the field of battle, the sight of the Metallicar brings Sam back to himself, Sam nobly sacrifices himself by throwing his Lucifer-possed body into the trap (and takes Michael with him), and Dean finally gets the apple-pie life he's always secretly desired. Except, last second, we see that Sam isn't in the pit -- he's outside Dean's house, watching the apple-pieness.
More questions below -- click on!
The sacrifice
Sam consigns himself to an eternity of torment to save humanity
Dean's reward
Dean has spent his life on the road protecting Sam, and Sam makes him promise to find Lisa and have a normal life.
The question of Chuck
Chuck continues to tell the boys' story, writes a hymn to the Metallicar, tells us that endings are hard, then tells us that endings aren't endings and snaps himself out of the frame.
Sam returns
Sam was willing to go into the pit forever, but somehow he got a reprieve -- or at least something Sam-shaped was watching Dean. What gives?
The message
Presumably these five seasons have a self-contained arc and message. What is it?
Next season
Our huge remaining question -- what the hell are they going to do next season?
Was it always all leading to this?
Kripke said he had a five-year plan. That makes sense. The seasons built and built and built, the stakes kept being raised, and finally we got to the big showdown, Michael vs. Lucifer, the Apocalypse. Did Kripke always plan to end with Sam sacrificing himself to pay for his actions? Was the whole series really building up to Dean having an apple-pie life? And was Kripke always planning on bringing Sam back, or was that spackled on to let next season happen? What do you think? We're not even going to put up a poll here -- just tell us all in the comments!
OMG this week's Vampire Diaries had us on the edge of our seats the whole time. Our first honest reaction was this: SQUEEEEEEEEE! We are not ashamed of our inner fangirl and suspect we will suffer horrible withdrawals in the months to come until our beloved Mystic Falls characters come back to play.
Here's the quick rundown of what made us swoon, squeal, and gasp.
* Damon and Stefan see Elena dressed as Katherine, and Damon is this close to swooning himself. Or whatever it is guys do when their knees get weak and their breath is taken away.
* Anna gives Jeremy her blood and asks him to turn himself into a vampire and run away with her.
* The founders and the tomb vampires are like the Capulets and Montagues with less florid speech and are going to have their rumble during the fireworks display.
* Damon becomes quite human with all that emotion and sense of right and wrong and dammit, now we're fully in love with him, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know this isn't news to you.
* John doesn't just leave Anna to die a firey death like the other vamps, he fully stakes her. With relish.
* After proclaiming her love for Stefan over and over again, Elena kisses Damon back. And it was super sweet and hot at the same time.
* At long last we get confirmation that the mayor, well, now, former mayor was a were and that Tyler is too. Apparently John Gilbert's device emitted a frequency that all paranormals hear, not just the vamps.
* OH SNAP! IT WAS KATHERINE!!! She then encouraged John Gilbert to say Farewell to Arms...and probably offed him entirely. That Katherine is crafty, what with the finagling the invitation inside and all.
* Jeremy drinks Anna's blood and takes too many of Elena's pain pills. Something tells us he'll just need his stomach pumped more than he'll need to avoid sunlight in the future. But we could be wrong. At least his uncle won't be around to be mad at him, whatever the outcome.
We want to know your take on the events of the season closer. Follow us after the jump to vote in a couple more polls!
Younger brothers always need advice. Jeremy took a big step at the end of the episode, and can we blame him? Parents brutally murdered? Check. Girlfriend #1 turned into a vampire and then killed? Check. Sister betrays him by erasing his memory of the event? Check. Girlfriend #2 staked by despised uncle? Check.
Speaking of the despised uncle, there seems to be consequences afoot for him, what with Katherine's reappearance and her removing his fingers (and ring) from his person. Seems that he's made some enemies in the vamp camp.
Now this business of the slowly growing tension between Elena and Damon is coming to a head for sure. We were simultaneously dismayed and thrilled when Elena and Damon kissed, and were simultaneously relieved and disappointed when it turned out to be Katherine. We sort of feel sorry for Damon that he's going to be carrying around the weight of the guilt over something he didn't really do and of which Elena has no knowledge.
TVD, we will sorely miss you while you rest, and will count the days until your return.
The Vampire Diaries: Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev tease the "shocking, amazing" season finale
It's almost here! We're just about to reach the season finale of The Vampire Diaries, and we can't wait! What can we expect? Well, we went straight to the source: Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev. Most of the teasers have us salivating for the ep, but one bit... well, they shouldn't even joke about that! (You'll see what we mean at about the 30 second mark.
Find out what Damon has to say about his "delusional" relationship with Elena, why they both have some sympathy for Bonnie (no matter what she's done), what lesson Nina can take from her character, and what qualifies as a really good day on set:
What do you think? Do you love them as much as we do? Are you panting for the finale? Talk!
America's Next Top Model: The Fug Girls take on Tyra's jumpsuit fixation
Oh, how we love the Fug Girls. So it makes us extra-super happy when we have a Legitimate Work Reason to visit their site... which we did today. Glee!
We realized, with a sense of impending doom, that Miss Tyra seemed to have a whole lot of jumpsuits this season. And yes, she was apparently wearing jumpsuits for every single panel. Every one! And some of these jumpsuits were bad. Like, really bad. Like, forget ugly-pretty, they were ugly-oh-my-god-my-eyes!-why-do-you-do-this-to-me?-horrid.
"Brigadier Gen. Gargantua Flapper, code name: 'Sass'quatch"
"Hester Prynne as a disco genie"
"An atrocious nightmare that would both plague my brain and entice the Blue Man Group to take a concubine."
"A cousin to the black Blake Lively bra-baring blight, crossed with the HGH-infused love child of a memory-foam mattress pad and a pair of panty-hose, and then sewn by Lady Gaga's six-year old niece after accidentally drinking some of dad's scotch."
Ah, Fug Girls. What would we do without you?
Do you agree with the Fug Girls' take on Tyra's Jumpsuit Extravaganza? Or are you all set to run out to "Loonitard" to get your own jumpsuit wardrobe? Talk about it in the comments!
As we head into the gripping two-hour season finale of America's Next Top Model we know that Krista has been rockin’ it the past few weeks. But the other girls are all strong and bring their own skills to the table, so it could be anyone’s game.
André comes, bearing flowers
The girls are just hanging out when they get a an unexpected visit from the master, André Leon Talley, who arrives with a bouquet of flowers and advice for each girl. He tells them what's what and even takes some questions. It's nice to see him in a softer light, we kind of want to hang with him now. Not as badly as we want to hang with Nigel, but we'd still chill with the ALT.
Read on to find out who made the final cut!
A top model must always be prepared
While the models are on a plane to their photo shoot in Queenstown, Miss J pops out from behind the first class curtain and notifies the foursome that they will be doing a totally different runway challenge en route, using the aisle of the plane. And this time, they must show personality. What we would have given to be a passenger on that plane -- unless the girls blocked the route to the restroom. Alexandra uses the passengers and does the flight attendant thing. Krista works the hat and jacket. Angelea is ill-prepared with only one stiletto and kind of reenacts her weird disco walk that she did at panel a couple weeks back. Raina is just a bit boring. No one is surprised when Krista wins…again. At this point it seems that the girl can do no wrong.
Ugly-pretty women
The girls are shooting an ugly-pretty session this time around. Their makeup is hideous and they are all dressed like an undead Martha Washington. Jay says it's high fashion but we had a hard time seeing the pretty part of the ugly-pretty. Apparently, it's a delicate dance. Jay asks the girls to step out of their comfort zone, but since half of them will be booted at the next panel the pressure is really on.
The dreaded double elimination
Mr. Jay is the guest panelist for the first panel of the evening, which is bad news for those who didn't do well at the photo shoot, even though they were able to produce a good photo. The judges agree that it seems more like the final judging -- the girls are all that good. The two finalists are Krista (uh…raise your hand if you're surprised about that) and Raina. Alexandra leaves mad and Angelea does her "Hammer Dance" for the judges on her way out. We say Raina better bring her serious A-game if she wants to win this thing.
Being in the final two does not suck
After it’s down to two, Raina and Krista take a helicopter over to Hurakia Lodge where they are greeted with champagne and Miss J. But it’s not about cocktails. They are on the island to shoot their Cover Girl commercial. Raina is confident and Cover Girl-peppy but choreographs herself and can't get the modeling and lines together. Krista stumbles, is nervous and can’t remember her lines. Though she doesn't lose it and is able to pull it off.
The Seventeen cover shoot is next and the luscious Nigel Barker is on hand to snap the photos. Both girls are impressive. They've really come so far. They return to their lodging where Tyra is there to do a family portrait. So she brings in Krista's mom and step-dad and Raina's dad for a real photo shoot. It's so cute, but we have to wonder how much it cost to fly them out for about an hour and three minutes of camera time max. Probably a lot.
It's time to stomp it out, Anna Sui style
The girls get ready for their final challenge, the runway competition and Anna Sui 2010 show. Professional models from all around the world will be taking part as well as some familiar faces. Alasia, Jessica, Alexandra and Angelea return to walk and show support. Nicole, the winner from Cycle 13 even walks the walk. It's literally a circus, and both finalists do great.
The finalists, final panel
This time the two finalists are all gussied up for the final panel. It must be a big deal because Miss J Alexander joins the judges. Hey, the guy knows the walk. The girls are judged on the runway show, the Seventeen photo shoot AND their commercial. The competition is -- dare we say -- fierce, and the judges have much to mull over. But there can only be one winner. So, America's Next Top Model is... Krista! And, frankly, we couldn't have seen it any other way. The girl has tried out for just about every Cycle and 12 Cycles later—she's the tops! Congratulations, Krista!
90210: Javianna....There's no need to alter that title because it's already hilarious
Javier, you're...the Phantom of the Opera?
Love is in the air, 90210 fans. Some of our West Bev denizens are going way over the top to please the one they pine for, but others could use a little work. Or a lot of work. While still others need to just settle down and take a Valium or something.
We're talking to you, Navid.
Javianna and Navid
First of all, how hysterical is "Javianna"? Only in L.A. Second of all, Navid, you need to simmer down. You've got more emotions bubbling to the surface than a 12-year-old girl who just won tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. If you ever do manage to get Adrianna's attention, you're going to scare the living crap out of her. Did you see the look on Dixon's face when you waxed creepy about Javier? You've already scared him a little.
This also brings us to a new segment we'd like to call What The Token Male In The Room Has To Say, which is actually an endless source of amusement while watching a show such as 90210. After Navid gets intercepted by Javier's we-hope-not-compensatory limo, we realize Navid's brought another bouquet. AGAIN. Which led one blogger's husband to throw up his hands in exasperation and say, "How much does this guy spend on flowers???" Tune in next week for more male-induced confusion.
In any case, Navid's second overly-elaborate plan also catastrophically failed when he got trumped by a private jet to New York. Hey Navid, the English language has been known to work from time to time, too. Give it a go, you might find you like it.
More relationships on the rocks after the jump!
Ivy and Dixon
Well, our faith in Ivy as the coolest girl ever faltered a little when she flipped out on Dixon. After Dixon starts selling his stuff to get some money for a trip to Australia with Ivy and Laurel, Ivy seems to think this means a minivan and little league games are in the works. Dixon gets understandably pissed when Ivy un-invites him to Australia and the two break up for about an hour. Luckily, Laurel talks some sense into Ivy and she makes it up with Dixon, thereby going back up a little in our estimation. We're fickle, Ivy. Don't mess with our adoration again.
Of course, this is also a vehicle to show just how messed up Debbie and Harry are. Debbie wants Dixon to go to Australia, while Harry thinks he doesn't deserve it, given the gambling and school break-in of which Debbie is still unaware. (By the way, stop calling Australia an opportunity. It's not like Dix is going to get a job down there. Call it an experience, or life experience if you want to make it sound so damn important). When Harry calls out Dixon for asking for a trip he doesn't really deserve, Debbie overhears the situation. Disagreements about the kids and secrets? Tsk, tsk, Harry.
Naomi and Liannie
This episode made us appreciate couples name conjunctions, so we thought we'd make one of our own, especially since that's where this situation seems to be heading. After Jen takes away Naomi's creature comforts, Naomi goes off the self-pitying deep end. Liam finally sets her straight about her selfish behavior, which we love. However, we're not so pleased with his parting line, "Whatever, Naomi." Ouch.
Naomi takes the hint and says she'll start being there for Liam, only to turn around and not be there for Liam. If Naomi were smarter, we'd think she was a modern day Hamlet, so driven by revenge that she neglects her Ophelia, finally driving her insane (or, you know, to Annie). Shock, shock, horror, Liam turns to Annie as a shoulder to cry on. What about your guy friends, Liam? They were there for the whole Jen disaster, they'll be there for you again.
Teddy and Silver
Teddy and Silver get intimate for the first time, and it looks like they had a lot of fun. But their late-night shenanigans negatively affect Teddy's tennis game, and he loses the biggest match of his young career. Feeling guilty about Teddy's loss, Silver commits relationship hara-kiri and breaks up with him right on the court. This was of course spurred by a visit from Mr. Monty, who offered to pay off Silver to hit the road. Classy.
This leads to Silver and Dixon hanging out at a party that night, minutes after the Ivy disaster, both single. And guess what, there's vodka! And guess what else, there's a broom closet! However, after a little bit of drunken making out, nothing really happens and the two emerge to no real scandal. Only time will tell if this little slip-up will resurface. On this show, it's pretty likely.
Tune in next week for more ridiculous relationship patterns and revenge run amok!
Notes and Quotes
Navid: Stupid pop culture cancer, that's what I'm talking about.
Teddy: Step 3: Cut a single. Become an overnight teen heartthrob.
How satisfying was it to watch Naomi putt around town in that beater car and get her credit cards cut up? It's like chocolate ice cream. We feel a little guilty, but it tastes so good.
Jasper's back! We're giddy with excitement about what creepy tricks he has up his sleeve. And good girl, Annie, for acting like an adult. We're sure it will bite you in the ass, but we're proud anyway.
Naomi: I'm poor, Liam. What is there to live for?
Naomi: Poor people tend to be honorable.
Navid: Dude, I KNEW it! You GO girl!
Dixon: You just let on that have feelings for Javier. And his washboard abs.
Naomi: Omigod, stop kissing or I might take a picture and send it to Perez!
Why did Annie save that confession letter? It was two sentences. You can probably write it again, if pressed.
JEN IS PREGNANT?? This fits in PERFECTLY with Supernatural's apocalypse plot!
He cleans up well... but Dr. Van Der Woodsen is still an idiot
This week’s episode of Gossip Girl sure felt like a caper film. Chuck and Jenny enlisted the whole gang, one by one, to help reveal Will’s dastardly scheme to steal Lily away from Rufus. It seems Will had an ally in Holland who not only prescribed the fake drugs for Lily, but also lied straight to the faces of the entire Van Der Woodsen clan about an elicit evening with Rufus. Jenny, playing the selfish card yet again, almost managed to thwart the whole operation. It looks like she’s had enough of the good life and hopes Brooklyn will take her in and welcome her return. And if that doesn’t work, Chuck’s pad will do in a pinch, especially with Nate still taking up residence there. When Jenny wants something, she’ll do anything to get it. Here are some other high and low points from the show:
Most selfish: Jenny wins this designation all the time. We can vaguely understand her need to break apart Nate and Serena. The heart wants what the heart wants after all, but trying to bust up Rufus and Lily’s marriage is just cold.
Best fashion trend: Those long, cascading skirts on Blair and Jenny. Ladies, throw out the cocktail dresses and opt for ball gowns.
Best ultimatum: Chuck setting up a meeting point at the Empire State Building for Blair to, once and for all, decide if she wants to be with him. So romantic and cinematic, but will she show?
Best family pedigree: Nate rarely relies on his family’s deep connections, but when he does, he does it with a bang. Just a quick call to the cops and Will’s goose is cooked.
Worst neighbor: Not only does Holland pretend she had an affair with Rufus, she allows Lily to believe that she is suffering from an illness. Isn’t that against the Hippocratic Oath?
Most petulant: Serena. She did everything in this episode except stamp her feet and scream, “because I said so!”
Most gullible: Lily. If she would have just listened to Rufus about getting a second opinion, all of this drama could have been avoided. No wonder the woman has been married a million times.
Frightening foreshadowing: Vanessa is out of town and the episode ends with Serena resting her head on Dan’s shoulder. Is this summer going to be filled with step-brother-on-step-sister action?
Frightening foreshadowing, second place: Nate wheeling Jenny’s luggage into her new room in Chuck’s place. Will he leave the room defrocked?
Despite abandoning her for the second time in her short life and playing God with her own mother’s health, Serena still helped her father escape the authorities. That girl needs to work on her loyalties. When your boyfriend and step-brothers are more concerned about your mother than you are, that’s a disconnect that needs remedying. What did you think? Could you ever forgive Jenny if you were Rufus?
90210: Diego Boneta talks -- and sings! -- Javier Luna
There's a new hot guy on 90210, and we're slowly becoming smitten. We're guessing you will, too, after you hear him serenade the fans!
We caught up with Diego Boneta, who plays Mexican pop star -- and potential Adriana love interest -- Javier Luna, and asked him how he got his start, what he thinks of his character, and more. Plus, he sings! Just for us! Swoon!
What's your take on the new guy? Talk about it in the comments!
Something unprecedented happened this week on One Tree Hill: We totally loved Quinn. No, really! She was awesome! First off, she introduced Jamie to The Goonies, which is a fantastic movie. Then, she got Jamie to act all kid-like, which he doesn't often get a chance to do. And finally, for a brief moment at the beginning of the episode, we thought she'd taken care of the StalKatie problem and was burying her body in the woods. Two out of three ain't bad...
What we loved The treasure hunt
Now this is the way to use Jamie -- have him be a genuine kid, and intersperse his antics instead of making it one long, loooooooong KISS homage. We really felt for the kid when he was trying to please Haley and she just couldn't deal, so we were happy that Quinn came up with a great way to distract him. He was believably excited by the treasure hunt, and even his precocious moment at the end didn't feel spackled on. Well done.
Clay's fake-out
We'll admit that we were worried about Clay at first -- was he finally buying StalKatie's line of crap? Yes, he was very firm with her that Sara was dead and not coming back, but then he seemed to regress, poring over his wedding video and basically living in the past. So when Katie ended up on the pier, and Clay called her his wife, we were worried. But it was all an act! He was just making sure that Katie didn't jump, and once the cops grabbed her, he was happy to disabuse her of her happily-ever-after fantasies. We're hoping this means that Katie will be safely committed.... and that Clay gets a restraining order as a backup.
There's lots more after the jump -- keep reading!
Haley's friends and fam step up Finally. We finally get a bit of movement on the part of Haley's loved ones. Nathan tries his best to be there for Haley, and at least makes reference to her seeing a shrink. (Granted, he's saying she's stopped going, but hey, it's something.) Brooke takes Haley out of her house, and is also there to see how Nathan is doing. Even Quinn steps up -- her Jamie treasure hunt is as much about giving Haley space as it is about entertaining Jamie. It's about time!
Victoria
Seriously, we love Victoria. Always. We love her when she's staggering out of the back room after sucking face with Alexander. We love her reacting to Brooke's reaction. And most of all, we love her tough love with Haley. She doesn't care if Haley hates her. Yes, you're in the depths of despair, she tells Haley, but you also know you're making choices. Think about what your mom would want you to choose. She wouldn't want you to give up. We're guessing that may be the one piece of advice that gets through to Haley.
What we're not so thrilled about The continuing stooooooory of Grubbs and Miranda
How many ways can we say "we don't care"? Because really.... we don't care. At all. The only good part of this storyline was when Miranda told Grubbs she didn't want him to come with her. We almost hope she's married. Or a nun. Or possibly a married nun. Just so long as she goes away and we don't have to deal with these two again.
Broken hearts and bad ideas
So, Mia broke up with Chase, and Miranda broke up with Grubbs. This does not mean we should see Grubbs and Mia getting together. Ditto Chase and Alex. The show seemed to be hinting that our heartbroken heroes may find love in each others' arms. No, thank you.
Josh's attitude
Look, Josh: You're the one who released a sex tape so you could stay in the closet. That means you don't get to act all assy about hanging out with Alex. She's doing you a favor, at personal cost. So shut it, ok?
Other notes
We'll admit to being confused about Haley at the bottom of the pool. Continuing suicidal fantasy? Or did she actually jump at the end?
Haley's been leaving long, despairing messages on her dead mom's cell phone. That's... not good. (We did, for a moment, hope she was talking to Lucas on the phone. Oh well...)
Congrats to Julian for getting into the film festival. However, since we've known for ages that the season finale was filmed in Utah, it wasn't exactly a surprise, you know?
Next week is the big season finale. What do you hope to see happen? Talk about it in the comments!
The Vampire Diaries: Why It's A Good Idea to Stay Away From Old Boyfriends
Even Isobel can appreciate a shirtless Salvatore
[Note: Sorry for the delay, folks, but Karin's continuing search for weres in the wilds of North Carolina, plus the intervention of my non-vampiric family from out East, made for a few snafus. Apologies!]
On The Vampire Diaries this week, we had a healthy portion of Isobel and her shenanigans. We have mixed feelings about her. On one hand, we think her behavior towards Elena and Jeremy is despicable, as is her willingness to do Katherine's bidding by finding the Vampire Eradicator invention. On the other, she clearly keeps some vestiges of humanity hidden deep within given her conversation with aLARic and her feelings about Elena. Too bad she doesn't want to share those with her.
Follow us after the jump for more delicious Salvatore brothers!
We concede that it is possible that Isobel genuinely regrets the decision that she made to become a vampire and that cloaking herself in the excesses of the lifestyle and by aligning herself with Katherine she's just doing what she can to survive. Which would mean that her anti-maternal bitchiness to Elena was actually a maternal act, trying to strip the glamor away from the whole Vamp thing. We still don't like her as a person, but we love her as a character. Just like we like 'em, dark and complicated. With lots of eye makeup.
So let's review the Isobel/John timeline as it's been revealed so far.
As teenagers, they parent Elena. Isobel goes to John's brother for help, and he adopts the baby.
Isobel/John presumably break up around this time.
Sometime later, Isobel meets and marries aLARic. But we think it's fair to say that she stays in touch with John secretly. She's fascinated by vamps.
John gives her his heirloom invincibility ring.
As she gets more fascinated, she gives the ring to aLARic
She seeks out Damon to turn her, on John's advice, even though he hates vamps.
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM OLD BOYFRIENDS! They do things like tempt you into being a vampire, facilitating your conversion even though they hate vampires and would eradicate them if they could. She was happy being married to aLARic and likely would have stayed that way if it weren't for her secret continued communications with him.
So where were we. Right:
John and Isobel remain in touch and he is willing to do her bidding regarding the vamps in Mystic Falls. Or other places as well for all we know so far.
This time line makes nominal sense. How does John Gilbert know about the Salvatores to send Isobel to Damon? Why is he still in touch with Isobel? Is he still in love with her? What really is his agenda? He definitely has one...it aligns with Isobel's for the moment, but we don't doubt for a second that he has his own motives.
When Isobel took the contraption from Elena, she seemed quite confident that Damon was in love. With Elena. We think so, too. Damon's glower and Stefan's squint seemed to confirm it as far as we're concerned. So we thought the jealous boyfriend speech and the we're just friends retort was extremely engaging. Elena's living that classic paranormal dilemma of having two super hot and opposing non-humans to choose from when she wants to keep them both while she's living the delusion that one of them is just a friend. We can't get enough of that device in our paranormal fiction.
A couple of notes about supporting storylines:
1. Bonnie is getting on our bad side. We get grief, but she's behaving like Elena's enemy rather than her friend, and we don't believe her conflict about it for a second. She should have refused to remove the spell rather than deliberately deceiving Elena. This makes us sad because we love Bonnie.
2. Poor Anna! C'mere and let us hug you. We're glad that Jeremy is there for you and that he finally admitted that she was more than just a friend where Anna was concerned.
What did Isobel mean when she said that she was doomed as long as Elena had a Salvatore brother on each arm? Tell us in the comments!
Now, we could say this Gossip Girl podcast is all about Serena's daddy issues, or her entitlement issues, or Jenny's entitlement issues, or Vanessa's out-of-character wimpiness, or Eric's snarkiness, or that utterly awesome CHuck/Lily moment at the party, or the impending revelation of all of Dr. van der Woodsen's evil plans, or Chuck's romantic gesture, or Blair findingher new home, or trophy-wife neighbor's heinousness, or, you know, anything actually plot related. But it's not. It's really a cautionary tale about how we shouldn't podcast before lunch. Bad things happen. Very bad things. Send waffles!
Oh, how we love the 
